Check out these beds, Tracey Emin

Hiking without a tent in the Pyrénées means sleeping in a variety of beds with various levels of bodily contact, cleanliness, and exposure to the elements and insects. The following is a set of simple guidelines set into your own sliding scale of importance if you want a decent night's sleep:

1. always get in early if you want a choice;

2. avoid the beds nearest the door;

3. spread your sleeping sheet out without looking at the mattress;

4. if you do happen to glance at the mattress just pretend any hairs you see are actually your own; 

5. avoid the top bunks unless you know you've got them all to yourself;

6. always take a single room if you can afford it;

7. manoeuvre the very drunk but amusing Frenchman onto a bed as far away as possible;

8. move as far away as possible from the room where the young men who have been camping for  days with their dog, and who are now soaking wet after a storm, are sleeping in - the smell will be so thick you could cut it; 

9. 'centralise your crap';

10. remember the temperature will rise in direct proportion to the number of people in your room so you don't need to wear all your thermals to bed; 

11. keep your your earplugs in;

12. keep your water bottle within arm's reach as you will get thirsty at 2am;

13. keep your torch within arm's reach as you will need to get up to pee at 4am;

14.  fold your blanket neatly in the morning, while still avoiding looking at the mattress, and don't forget to thank the guardians.