Things we love about Norway ...

Things we love about Norway:

1. Honesty. The country is legend for the cost of alcohol and waiters are not embarrassed to suggest we drink water. On New Year's Eve we thought we'd splash out and asked if they had any champagne. 'It's too expensive', we were told. 'Drink the red and more water'. The red was still £16 a glass.

2. They positively insist that we take food from the breakfast buffet for a picnic lunch (are you listening Switzerland!), only the Norwegians seem to take vegetables and fruit. This does however leave more bread, pancakes, apfel stroop and nutella for my continued carb fest that I kid myself will be burned off after a few hours of pottering around on skis.

3. They can ski madly for hours, occasionally stopping to shoot at things, then get on their bicycles and cycle up the hill to home, on snow, when it's -14 degrees, balancing their skis on their bikes.  It's all I can manage to finish the same 5km circuit in 40 minutes, trudge up the hill dragging my skis behind me, and then spend 20 minutes in the shower defrosting.

4. They are really good at cooking fish. Even my 'vegetarian' meal is fish; a 'cold water' fish I'm told when I ask what it is. In Norway I wonder if there is any other sort. It is Dingo Baby's ambition to change his diet and he reads 'Becoming Vegan' at the table while eating reindeer four ways.

5. That beneath that taciturn exterior that respectfully refuses to intrude on my personal space by saying 'hi' when passing (except when they want you out of the way on a trail and if you don't move it's your own fault if you get mown down ... I will get over it eventually) there is a sense of humour ... coincidently appearing whenever I deploy my magnificent snow plough on the steep bits.

6. Berries: in drinks, in deserts, stewed, whatever.

7. Hardy facial hair, essential for dealing with gale force head winds ripping across the fells that shred anything stupid enough to have been left uncovered.

8. And the fact that they can be as smug as they like about the wealth in the country. Rather than give away North Sea oil to BP et al, it has been used to fund the largest global sovereign wealth fund, worth today 711 billion pounds sterling. Four percent of the fund's return can be used in the national budget for the current population of 5.1 million people, saving the capital for future generations. The country is ranked in first place on the Human Development Index (2015), comes in fourth on the 2016 World Happiness report (flanked by other Scandinavian countries and Switzerland), is ranked in first place for income equality (gini coefficient), and is second on the global gender gap rankings (again, flanked by other Scandinavian countries). In comparison, the UK, who gave its North Sea oil to private interests (at least taxed from the 1970s at 50% under a 'super profit' law, but a rate that has declined over time and was effectively abolished in the 2016 Conservative party budget), is respectively: 14th, 23rd, 14th, and 18th.

Way to go Norway.

Things about Switzerland ...

  Things that mystify us about Switzerland ...

1. Swiss German. It is the bastard child of romance elisions and Germanic umlauts.
2. Their love of cows and jokes like 'have a nice hay'.
3. Curried corn. It is just so wrong. Unless your chef has spent at least three years at the foot of a South Asian master, stay away from the spice rack. And it doesn't matter how precisely the rice is shaped, if it's not cooked it's still not going to taste nice.Stick to things you're good at Switzerland, like fondue, and hiding large sums of money for dubious people.

  
Things that we love about Switzerland ...

1. Raclette.
2. Rosti.
3. Raclette on rosti.
4. Bread. Fondue. Potatoes. Fat and carbs basically. 
5. Engineering. No messing about. Just put the train line right through the Alps. 
6. 4pm wake up calls, otherwise known as Jagertee, leading to at least another two hours of skiing. Black run anyone? Absolutely.
7. Night skiing with a full moon over an amphitheatre of big mountains.

Finnish Saunas and other of life's necessities

After any more than an hour skiing north of the Arctic circle the only way to defrost is to use the sauna. Forget cellulite, sagging flesh and modesty. If you're in Finland, get in, get your gear off and stop worrying. There are of course, basic hygiene principles to follow ... none of which I managed to work out on my first attempt even with helpful instructions in English posted in several prominent positions in the chill out area. (Tip 1: bath towels are out, but the stack of paper towels in the corner are very important).

It's not just the cold that is arrested in the sauna. It's the point at which daily velcro wars, when outer fastenings meet inner fleece, can be forgotten (Tip 2: always put your gloves on last!). It's the point at which the damp sheep smell that comes from merino thermals can be removed for the evening. It's the place where no-one can see me ski, thereby avoiding the look of compassion that comes into the eyes of the Finns when they do. 

I am nothing if not the triumph of hope over experience, or cowardice, when it comes to skiing. To me, a bump on a blue run seems to generate stellar speed. And while the idea of having a nice machine make tracks for me to ski in everyday is very comforting, it was not until the last day that I realised I could in fact step (or skate if you're one of those show off ski skater types who deserve no space in the sauna as punishment for the ungodly grace that was given to them) out of them and snow plough, rather than tumble anarchically, down a hill. (Tip 3: the great advantage of skiing in the off season is that it reduces the chances of such descents causing damage to anyone but myself). No matter how graceful or ungainly the skiing, though, everyone on the trails has the possibility at some point in their day to come to stillness in a landscape that has the quality of silence that only comes when the world is wrapped in snow.

Just as I managed to give up on braking and turning when on skis, hoping that the run ahead would eventually even out and there would be no corners in the meantime, so too with my sled driving abilities, where my dogs adopted the same look of compassion as the Finns. Huskies, apart from having to put up with dodgy drivers, also suffer from a beauty myth. On every postcard in every Arctic gift shop in Lapland are the familiar grey and white, blue eyed standard models. But most in my crew were just a motley bunch of mongrels with a one-dimensional love of running. They really do. As we approached launch time their barking reached the dog equivalent of a jet engine before take off.

The recuperative power of the sauna is complimented by the Finnish buffet. (Tip 4: it is not stealing to make nutella and cheese sandwiches from the breakfast buffet to take with you for lunch). Finland isn't known for it's vegetarian friendliness but luckily I'll eat fish because somehow they don't count. Put it this way ... it's either compromise on the fish or eat reindeer and it will be a warm day in the Arctic winter before I eat Rudolph. This did not stop Chemical Elvis from tucking in however. It is slightly discomforting to be sitting in a restaurant enjoying the bucolic scene outside of reindeer grazing while Chemical Elvis eats one inside. I made up for it with a 'pint of cream with a hint of mushroom' soup, followed by lappish cheese in a sweet cream sauce and berries. If it can be made with berries the Finns have done it, including the lovely sounding cloudberries, bilberries, arctic brambles and sea buckthorns.

If any further solace is needed after the sauna and food, there is that great scientific phenomenon of the Arctic guaranteed to bring comfort during the long winter: the Finnish love of karaoke. Forget seeing the aurora - most tourists spent their evenings sitting out in -20 degrees, under cloudy skies, still thinking they're going to see something, and missing the most fantastic renditions in Finnish of  'Almaaz', 'Walk the Line' and 'Crocodile Rock' in the local bar all of which seem to have karaoke machines and remain at a steady +20 degrees (Tip 5: the bar man will sing the male parts if you need to duet). Unfortunately no-one chose to sing Bowie's 'Space Oddity' while we were there. I would like to have heard that version while sipping on the pint of gin and something (yes that's a PINT) that they serve on tap .... Perhaps a sauna might be better.